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Jul. 24th, 2011

Words

(no subject)

A night of drinking leading up to a night of what could be referred to as the worst. Pent up annoyance from bad bumblebees and confusing charms. I was lead into a darkness, the perfect couple one stuck in the wrong sexual orientation and one in the wrong body. What is right? Two people married with vows; patience. I truly dont know what to say on the matter. Being married to a man of men wanting a boy and a girl wanting a man of men waiting on the boy to change to a girl. Yet, inevitability a wreak less hope. Neither can have the other. Changes dont happen. People giving the girl hope; yet, there is no hope. The girl wants to cry but can't let the tears exist.

Mar. 28th, 2010

Words

I will!

I will.
I will love.
I will surrender.
I will see.
I will hear.
I will touch.
I will taste.
I will cry.
I will hug.
I will hide.
I will shout.
I will smile.
I will speak.
I will tell.
I will show.
I will explain.
I will have heart.
I will curse.
I will cook.
I will clean.
I will study.
I will open up.
I shall.
I shall love.
I shall cry.
I shall disagree.
I shall explain.
I shall speak.
I shall share.
I shall run.
I shall overcome.
I do.
I do love.
I do cry.
I do explain.
I do share.
I do run.
I do overcome.
I will do.
I shall do.
I do or have done all this and more.

But.

I am done.
I am done running.
I am done hiding.
I am done sulking.
I am done dying.
I am done frowning.
I am done.I am done.I am done.

So let me explain.
So that I can open up.
And do what I wish I could long ago.

And maybe I can regain my spark of life.
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Feb. 24th, 2010

Words

Sorry

Can I have my heart back now that your in love with someone new.I made my mistake of believing that you were better off without me.I destroyed you and I have always wished that I could have changed that.For four long years, I have wish day and night to find a way back to you.But, you can't reverse that past and I can't lite to myself anymore.I realized long ago that nothing would be better than being your bride.I am constantly reminded of our love and why it actually was true.How there is nothing I can do to change how thing went.So I ask you to give me my heart back, although I know it will always belong to you.

I may have tricked myself into believing that I loved other after you.However, there was never a possibility of it because you still own my heart, even now.Your face haunts my dreams.Your touch is missed by my skin.Without your voice I feel as though I may break.And then there is the thud of an empty chest and unconscious life.

I'm done lying to myself.I have always loved you.
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Feb. 8th, 2010

Words

Change

Once upon a time, a girl sat alone in a tree. As she did she imagined a new world, a new chance. She wished to have understanding. She thought of the beauty around her. It had surrounded her all the time she had lived. the heat on her skin, the leafs in her hair, and the dry autumn wind. She was taken back to a simpler time. Rolling in the grass. Staying up till dawn just to see the sun rise over the horizon, in perfect glory. Looking to the window every October just to see the first ice crystal melt upon the earthy soil. However, this girl had grown, she had lost touch. Not just touch within herself. But, with everyone she had loved and reality. Why not lay in the grass? Why not watch a sunrise? Why not look for the first snowflake? Does age really change a person so much? She has the goals. She lives the same life. So, why did she stop seeing the beauty, she had for so long loved? What changed?

I stopped looking. I want to see it again, I will see it again. Each person has their own beauty. Maybe that's why I have loved so many. Each individuals. Each different in their own way. Each a new experience and adventure. I have learned so much just from friends, new and old, enemies, and strangers. That's what truly matters. Whether its learning how to do a back flip on a trampoling, to be open, or even be secure with ones self. Because now I know that even though I had a bad day or a good one, it will be okay. There is always another day, a second chance, and a place to be.

Jan. 9th, 2010

Words

1/4/10 (To be finished. . .)

To the new year I look with eyes wide open, yet tightly shut. There seems to be but, one person on my mind. He leaves me to question my own judgment. Yet, each time I see him I can't help but want to be closer. I can not open my heart to him though. For he has broken it before. It's always this way when I come home. We first met before I was fifteen. We would just hang out then it escalated to something more.

Jan. 5th, 2010

Words

Writer's Block: Crazy in Love

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for love?


Hmm... the craziest thing I did for love.

Well, taking a blast to the past. The first thing would be thinking that a boyfriend that was so controlling I let him take whatever type of virginity I had. After, that it kind of goes down hill. I just let every guy take control of me. I didn't have very much care for sex. Or anything sexual as a matter of fact. This had happened when I was fourteen, by the way.

Than, I went crazy and moved out of the house so I could live with my boyfriend at the time. I was only sixteen. Ended up getting more into drugs, stealing, and law breaking. The guy asked me to marry him. I had said yes. But, than I moved out and moved home because my mother needed me. I realized after living at home with my mother; that my fiance never really came to mind. And after a month broke it off. Just told him I needed space.

Then almost a year later I decided to move out again. Big mistake. Ended up dating this guy that I had met a few years earlier. We had been close friends. Ended up getting into a relationship with him. Once again I lived with him. I thought I loved him. Now, a year and a half later; I am sure it wasn't love. He was abusive and just completely stupid. I thought he could change and we had also talked of marriage. Again, I had gotten back into drugs. More so than ever. I just ended up changing myself to what I thought he wanted me to be.

After that relationship ended, I started looking around. Ended up dating two guys; but it never felt right.

Now that I am twenty, I sit here curious as to my feelings for a long time friend. I never really realized it but, he had always been there. Before my first really relationship. He was there, and we liked each other. But, lets just say there were complications. When I moved back home when I was sixteen. He was still there. And just like each time we had gotten together years prior there were still emotions. And then once again, I am home. And I believe there are still feelings here.

I have always understood why there are complications with this man; even when he was a boy. Yet, now that I am older and he is older; I hope we can try to work past them.

So the question was, "What's the craziest thing you have done for love?" or something to that context.

Not open my eyes to the right person. The one I truly believe I could love. When I kiss him my lungs turn to fire. I guess I can't help any of it though. I think that no matter how much I try to figure out what my relationship is with this guy it will always be just friends. I wish I could change that but, I guess I am just too much of a chicken-shit to do so. Afraid of rejection or whatever it is called.

I guess love is truly blind.
Words

Complicated

Okay so here is the story.

I really like my friend.The odd thing is that I know he wont date me.But, I think he likes me.And I do like him.

We've known each other for like 7 years.

Whenever, it is just us too we can just hang out, but sometimes we will kiss.

We were hanging out on New Years and we went to the next level (foreplay).All of a sudden we stopped.It was the furthest we ever went.

It didn't freak me out or anything.

He is one of the best guys I know.But, I don't know what to.

I really like him and have since we met.And this happens about 75% of the time when we are alone.

I am almost positive he likes me; we were even going to go out once but, he didn't want to make it weird with my brother and his sister, who was my friend at the time.

Should I just stop this?
I am just heavily confused.
Words

9/19/2009 @ 12:35

The wintry wonderland of love can be cold and painful.This distance is left to those around.I just wish I could count to ten and see the beauty of your eyes.The color and depth.The simplistic view on life can be a worn away wish.Yet, I wish for it each night.A pen in hand and a wish upon the stars.I grew up knowing the stars came from the souls of your friends and family.So, wouldn't your deepest wish come true? Your family just wishing you to be happy and your family making this wish possible.

But, sometime the big stuff in life can only end up being the little things.Right now you may be trying to get over something that seems so huge and yet when you look back, it will have been one of the tiniest things that you have done.

You can't ever begin with drowning out your emotions in drugs and alcohol.The pain just increases and leaves you numb.So, you drink more until you are tripping and splashing through the mud trying to find a cigarette that isn't even there.You run from your friends because all you want to do is make the numb feeling continue until you never have to worry about feeling anything anymore.

More so than anything you want questions answered:

What would you really say if I could hear you?

How did you know that my writing was about you?

But those are just the ones from speaking on here...I wish to know more but at the same time, I am so lost.Time seems to stop.

And even now my thoughts are lost.

Dec. 27th, 2009

Words

Short Poem

Looking to the clouded nights
I look for contentment in the stars
But none can be seen
No fire to set the heart ablaze
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Dec. 26th, 2009

Words

Long Nights

Long Nights filled with inconsistency.Forced thoughts with lengthening darkness.Tossing and turning.Past renewed and reborn right before my eyes.A repeating beat of emotions long since lost among stream.So why now? Why today? Take a deep breath and just breathe easy.Tears that follow accusations, and misdemeanor mishaps.Lie the book to the side and look into the glossy finish of what is to follow.A single moment of hilarity and refuge.How to survive?

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